Dreamscape

I had a dream.

I dreamt I was in the most terrible prison, and there was nothing I could do to get out. Hundreds of people were in there with me, and they were all miserable, but they were surviving. I couldnt survive. I knew if I stayed in there much longer, I would die, and I would die a most miserable death.

I looked everywhere in that prison, every corner, every crack every unexplored attic or ceiling...there was no way out. I could never escape from there. There was nothing I could do except die. I cant even explain how hopeless and miserable I felt.

So I just played dead. I dropped down to the floor and decided to hold my breath. Gaurds came in and looked at me lying there, talking to each other and discussing why they think I died, and whether I was faking it or not. They'd stare at me for what seemed like hours, looking for the slightest hint of life. I'd try not to breathe, but every now and then I couldnt help but flutter my eyes reflexively or move my breathing muscles, and I was sure they'd noticed and just laugh and walk away.

But they didnt notice. They honestly thought I was dead. After ages of just expecting me to get up and miraculously come back to life, they eventually gave up and dragged me out of that prison.

It was night time, and the moon was huge. The prison loomed behind us like a mountain sillhouette as they dragged me from the massive entrance door. They left me there outside in the dark streets, and went back inside and closed those huge doors behind them.

I couldnt believe they fell for it...I couldnt believe I was free. I stood up and looked up at that vast expanse of sky with the lonely moon singing its song of palest light. I cant even describe that heartfelt elation that I felt at that moment...I remember looking in the distance, and there was someone walking towards me. I'd never met her before, but I knew her somehow, and she was a friend, and she was there to tell me there was something else I needed to do before I could truly be free.

Weird dream.

It continued, but I'll tell the rest of it next time. Too tired now. Early day tomorow ;)

Old Friends

I've been catching up with a lot of my childhood friends lately. Friends that I hadnt heard from for years, a decade even, and suddenly we're in contact again, and suddenly we'r both adults.

I caught up with a couple of them recently, and I gotsto say, its really refreshing to see that same person I knew as a 9 or 14 year old in the heart of these adults that stood before me. Most of the time, you get a new person, not that same friend that you grow up with...a new image in front of that person, at least, that he/she asserts almost desperately. A fake mask put on in responce to their desperation for acceptance.

But seeing this old friend of mine, and getting to talking? Damn...it was the same person in a different body. No shame or fear or self-expression, and it was like it was the late 1980's all over again.

What a time warp.

And now, I'm gonna sleep like a pig. Just came back from another 30 hour call at the hospital, and some of the doctors are actually looking for me because they expect me to do go back there and do some more pointless work that they can do themselves just fine. haha, pricks.

As for the novel I'm writing? Hmm...what novel? haha. It feels like such a long time since I last wrote it. Its hard to stay awake nowadays with all these calls.
Adios!

HEY, WAITAMINUTE!

I didnt know there were peoples comments on this page!
haha, I'm an idiot. I was just browsing through the page boredly, and I see it says "1 comment" for an article here or there...I always thought if there was a comment it would SHOW, and I'd get an email or something. haha

Thanks for the comments, guys. Very encouraging. It seriously means a lot :)

uh. How do u spell encourage? is that right?

Holy crAP, that hurts.

I'm sorry if this sounds bitter, but thats how I feel. Unlike most assholes out there I'm not afraid to admit how I feel because I really dont give a shit what you think of me.

This letter is a swear word to all two faced sons of bitches out there. The people who pretend to act friendly, only because its the socially acceptable thing to do, while the whole time they think of you as some disgusting creature. The people who dont have the balls to say out loud how they feel about you, so instead they pretend to like you, and be nice to you. Open up to you as a friend, and vice versa. But then when it becomes too inconveniant to give you a fake smile, they show their true colors. And you feel the pain of having someone you thought of as a friend turn around and make you feel as worthless and useless as tHEY actually are.

Two faced pricks that judge you for being imperfect and stupid, while they dont realize that being a hyppocrite and a breaker of hearts is something far worse and deliberate.

I swear to God, I hate you all that are like that. I dont hate you because I think your lesser than me. I hate you because, whether you realize it or not, you are hurting people down to the core of their damn souls. How can you feel anything but hate for something that hurts you so exquisitely? Even if they did it out of ignorance or fear of social unnacceptance. No matter what their reasons are, the pain is still there, and fuck you all for causing it for the sake of shallow conveniance.

You dont act out of a principle or belief, or any sort of expression of your OWN soul. You act based on what society and your little friends deem as acceptable or cool. Well, fuck your lack of standards. It doesnt hurt that you secretly think of me as an idiot. I really dont give a shit what you think. What hurts is the fact that you smile and pretend to be a friend, and when I've softened enough and become completely trusting, you strike and show me how you really feel, when you know I'll be too shocked and hurt to defend myself.
I cant help but wonder...how the fuck do you smile at a person that you believe is an idiot? You look at a guy and think "What a fucking shithead." But then you smile at him. Your fakeness is the most disgusting thing I can ever imagine, you spineless assholes.

This letter is to all the people that do that, whether they admit it to themselves or not.

My only consolation is that when you die, nobody will give a fuck about you. Because there are so many people out there like you. Fake assholes that just follow the flock blindly because their too scared to express their own feelings honestly. When you die, there will be many others that can take your place and do the exact fake things that you do. It'll be as if you were never there, and life will just go on. One fake asshole after another. Replaceable and forgotten.

I swear tho, I'm not gonna change myself because of you. I'm not gonna be some scared, over-carefull coward who wont speak until he's absolutely sure that there arent any hypocrites out there to judge him. I wont compromise my own freedom of expression and openness because of narrow minded pricks that will ALWAYS exist.
There will be pain, but being myself, completely free and uncompromised and unafraid is more than worth the price of that pain.

Anyway...I just get a little angry at hypocrites that hurt people because of their two-facedness. Even though thats not a real word, I dont care.

And to all the people who have felt betrayed by someones fakeness before? I think all of us have felt that. SOme deal with it maturely, some dont. I'm not one of the mature people.
Its the people that go out and DO this crap that this letter is addressed to.

This rant is finished.

I'll write something more pleasant and rainbow-y some other day.

What thE-?

Jeezuz...would u look at that? I've been reading over my last few posts..
Working at the hospital with those greasy-haired profs has really got me all miserable, hasnt it?

I shouldnt let it get to me so much. BLEHHHHHH!!

Okay, I'm over it now. I just wrote over 7 pages for my book in about half an hour. Maybe hospital frustrations are usefull for SOMETHIN, huh?

Adios, amigos
S

Space Filler

Well, it was another day at the hospital today. What can I say? Its grade school all over again, with profs and doctors actually getting off by acting like the teachers that gave them shyte when they were kids.

Anyway.

Hey, theres this video with a whole bunch of accents and random crazy things I keep intending to make, but I keep putting me off. Maybe if I mention it here, it'll make me one step closer to doing it. Or maybe it'll just make this post more pointless than it already is.

Before destiny, confusion is king.
Later
S

My Nothing.

I have nothin to say today.
Bleh.

Well, wait here something I just thoug....nope. Nope.
its gone, i lost it.

Sue me.

Verbal Piss.

Hey I met one of my old friends today. He was also studying medicine, and he's graduated now.
The mans a doctor. But he decided not to practice. I remember he was also really sick of all that social politics at the hospital that I talked about in my previous post. In fact, he's so sick of it, that he's decided not to practice medicine at all anymore.

I really respect this guy, and he's one of the most hard working fella's I know. Helluva investment the governments made here, though. They pay two thirds of our hundred and fifty thousand rand tuition fees, and they let the professors and doctors get so out of hand in treating each other and students like shit, not giving them any room at all to defend or stand up for themselves, and then still expecting them to keep practicing.

I say these small minded bastards deserve losing good doctors like this. Maybe I'm just bitter for being in the middle of it, so be it. The worst thing is when students accept being treated like shit, and actually see themselves as the worthless, will-less, thoughtless peices of crap that their treated as. And then they crap on their few fellow students that actually try to stand up for themselves, worse than the professors ever could.

blehhh..Thanks, capitalism. You've successfully brought up a nation of idiots that you can successfully manipulate into spending money on shit that doesnt matter, so u get richer and they get poorer. And the best part is, you've made them so stupid, they love you for taking so much advantage of them.

Sometimes I think Bin Laden was right. He's an idiot because he killed people, and used literal bombs. We need some kind of ideological bomb to wake people up. Not a literal one that will kill innocent people.
But an ideological bomb, a major awareness shock, an anti-media movement that wont just start another stupid brainless trend. A movement that will actually make people smarter, make them think for themselves, and out of the pre-defined stereotypes.
I know I hate being stuck in this box and feeling like an idiot in a world of bias-media induced ignorance.


And dont call me a communist of socialist. If you do, then fuck you for thinking and regurgitating exactly what daddy or mommy or the TV or the government wants you to regurgitate. Labeling people, stereotyping them to keep them defined and quiet.
Dont look at whose saying the words. Just listen to whats being said.

NO SUBJECT. SUE ME

Under my mask of trying to be socially acceptable, I dont have anything to say. I was never any good at being socially acceptable, so fuck that.

I saw a lady at the hospital today.
She was 51 years old, and of course, she wasnt pregnant. But she had a uterus the size of a basketball. It had been that way for two years, and she was fine with it, until it started feeling a little too heavy for her back.

Tough lady.

Anyway, we took it out, and played basketball with it. I mean, dissected it and sent it to the lab for a histology report. If you wanna sound all fakely clever and knowledgable to sound impressive to any trend-following sheep-I mean friends- u may or may not have, you can call it a "myomatous uterus".

Seriously, though, its a blast seeing all these weird crazy things happening around me, and of course curing them, as any good samaratin would expect me to say. My only compliant is professional politics. Ass kissing, and social hierarchy in the workplace. It wouldnt be a problem if I bent over, and just took it, but I'm pissing on any so called superiors, so there're a few minor problems cropping up here and there. Nothing tOo serious. But if life is a battle, then this is a bitch. Cause life isnt about having to fend off insecure pricks like that. I just cant wait to be over this crap. A few more months..just a few more. Hold on, Shaker
Later.

Comfort Zone

Laziness is such a cool thing.

It keeps you ignorantly blissfull when at the back of your head, you know ur gonna lose out in the end. With understanding, there would be no patience for laziness...without understanding, laziness just kinda fills that void like a fat man eating all the time to avoid dealing with his insecurities.

Busybody

Well, the student internship is in full swing now. I'm in hospital every day, and we'r all running around trying desperately to make a difference in the hospital. Little worker ants in a very big hive. I must admit, I'm skipping some classes quite often.

I think its the idea that I HAVE to go to these classes that makes something in my head just click, and I get this overwhelming urge to do the exact opposite. Not always a good idea if I wanna get good tips for the exams. But anyway. At least I'm workin in the hospital a lot.

And when I can, I'm writing my book. Things are moving faster now in the story. Expositions over, and catastrophe's are happening. People are dying, and people are taking a stand. Betrayels are happening, some wicked, some without choice. A few are still dazed and confused and unsure whats happening. Some are in love, and worried sick that their gonna lose their loved ones, and others are time bombs just waiting to lose it. We have over-ambitious bastards, weak leaders that make bad decisions, victims that refuse to bow, gods that will go mad, and others that will die. Cant wait till its over!

The story in my other blog site, Myth Misplaced, (link on the left) is just a character peice I'm writing when I'm bored. It involves one of the main characters in my main book: the God of Fire. Sorry if its cliche or boring, or long, or presumptous. I'm just enjoying writing what his interactions would be like with people in the present where I live.

Anyway, take care.
Shaker out.

Double Standard?

You know, when someone means a lot to you…When your heart is in that person, in one form or another, somehow, at least with me, I subconsciously become really carefull what I say and how I say it. It just happens. Even when I try not to care, automatically, that annoying carefulness pops up in what I say or do. And because of my lack of freedom of action and expression, because of that hesitating carefulness, I always screw things up.

But when that person doesn’t mean shit. Or at least, I treat him/her like shit, and just get my point across without fear of consequence or impression…Its crazy how many times they suddenly get all ass-kissy. A helluva lot more so than when I actually try to show them that I care.

That’s crazy.

Why is a show of emotion automatically be interpreted as weakness or desperation? Why should I always have to verbally beat them over the head like inferior dogs just to get them to hear me out? I mean, you don’t want to treat the people that mean a lot to you like THAT. You shouldn’t have to. Ar, whatever.

An Echo

"I have a story. It’s a story that will haunt you forever, and you wont know if you’re happy or sad, insane, or the most sane person on earth. But whatever you’ll be, you’ll feel ten times more of what you felt before. It’s a story that can change you, and you’ll think that your life before hearing this story was not a life at all. It was just a prelude. An opening credit before a movie. An empty place.”


Thats art.

Schools back on...blehh.

Well, hospital rotations started today. My last 6 months as a med-student is now minus one day.
Wooptee-doo.

Seriously, its getting a little old running around getting professors off myback that jump me because they feel I dont ass-kiss them enough. Insecure little sons of bitches.
They'll get nothing but grief and brutal honesty from me, even if it costs me my degree. I dont give a shyte. It'll be a blast, as always :)

To the rebels of life

To the ones that refuse to bow to the options that media and society give us.
The ones that refuse to follow a pre-determined and accepted trend in order to fit in and make life cheaply easier for themselves.

How many of you are there out there, really?

Many claim to be "themselves" in a conditionally accepting world, and unbiasedly independant thinkers.

To the few that have, as a consequence of the order of society and media, been ignored or belittled or forgotten, and yet still refuse to follow what they've been told is "right":

There will always be resistance to a thought or principle thats worth having. Dont be bitter or feel victimized in the face of that resistance. People and media, either by implication, or in your face, may belittle your actions, make you feel small or unimportant or childish or ridicules, or even evil. They may blatantly fight you or try to stop you, or worse, try to control you.

Expect that resistance, nothing unique and worth having comes for free. And there is nothing worth more than an idea or a signature of life that is yours, and yours alone. An owned idea, a pre-meditated opinion that is unbiased by trends or society's levels of acceptance.

How many of you are reading this and thinking (if I'm making any sense at all ;) ) "Yeah, this dudes right. A little too idealistic, but right. But the resistance and trouble I'll get in life for going against the grain is just too much...a balance has to be struck between individuality and acceptance in society." ?
How many are willing to compromise on expressing your full self? The unabashed signature of your soul?

To the ones that feel belittled and made to feel like failures for having unique thoughts, hold on, and dont compromise your own ways and principles for even the fraction of an inch. Most of all, dont doubt yourself. Dont doubt, that maybe the people making you feel small are right. We all need more people like you.
You have an average of 73.3 years to express who you are to the fullest of your self, and nobody can do that but you. And there is nothing greater than the soul thats honest in his/her expression. This is the soul that actually leaves a mark, a signature after its gone.

To all the so-called "rejects" and "losers", labels given by a presumptous and blindly trend-following society, you're the ones that will be remembered. Not the ones that blend in with the flock.