Everybodies such a nice person, doing what their told, and when their told it.
Am I wrong for hating the followers? Do I want them to follow me? No. Not at all. Individuality is always such a beautiful thing in people, and its just a bit disappointing when all that potential is held back for the sake of some pretensive trend. No matter how noble or well-intentioned that trend may be, it’ll always only be something to keep people in order and controlled like a flock of sheep. Keep them forgettable and easily manageable. Perhaps it’s the insincerity or ignorance of the follower that goes with following the trend that irritates me. That it’s not a truly informed consent that goes with following that culture or trend. Am I missing something? Am I just mad, and incoherent and pointless in my thoughts? Is this struggling, frustrated mind of mind squirming without any real purpose or greater good? Maybe trends and cultures were put in place to prevent the very state of mind that I’m in now. Is it really such a bad thing, though, for as long as there’s hope of a resolution that will make it all worth it?
I’m too tired to express what I fully want, and I’m too numb to give a shit.
And I get pointlessly philosophical when I’m exhausted. Excuse me while I go sleep.
You know, if I start commenting on current events, my readers will probably explode in number exponentially. Not because my writing style will be any better, but because I’m talking about what people want to hear in the fad of the moment.
Okay. Sleep. That’s what I was gonna do
Adios!
Final exam was quite crap, I gotsta say.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Surgery Exam
Well, wow. I compLETELY fucked my surgery exam.
There were a whole bunch of written exams, and 2 oral exams. The writtens were up and down. One of the Orals was good. The other? MOTHER FUCK!!
I report back how I feel about my exams, because I know u care. Umm.
I mean DAMN. The old profs sit there and tell me I’m not answering their question. When they sit there and give me fucking HINTS about what they want me to talk about. And if I ..ARRRR!! nevermind. Not gonna think about it. I’m gonna have a major piss-up tonight, and enjoy the living hell out of it! Then I’ll study again. Then after my finals next week, I’ll FINALLY get back to writing my book!
AnYWAY, how’re u doing?
Um..i mean. Nevermind.
There were a whole bunch of written exams, and 2 oral exams. The writtens were up and down. One of the Orals was good. The other? MOTHER FUCK!!
I report back how I feel about my exams, because I know u care. Umm.
I mean DAMN. The old profs sit there and tell me I’m not answering their question. When they sit there and give me fucking HINTS about what they want me to talk about. And if I ..ARRRR!! nevermind. Not gonna think about it. I’m gonna have a major piss-up tonight, and enjoy the living hell out of it! Then I’ll study again. Then after my finals next week, I’ll FINALLY get back to writing my book!
AnYWAY, how’re u doing?
Um..i mean. Nevermind.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
A Letter to Women
I know what you’re doing.
You’re gently playing me like silly-putty, turning me into the shape that you want. Fine tuning me to be a source of dependence for you. And ur like an open book to me.
You’re creating an emotional need in me, deliberately making me unable to live or breathe without you, using all your wiles and feminine charms. You give me just enough to taste, but not enough to be satisfied, so I keep coming back for more. And when I start getting emotionally attached to a greater and greater degree to you, you sit back and watch my heart and mind squirm as it tries to find peace, in my seemingly futile attempts to be assured that I have you. But I’m not ready for you yet, am I? I’m not quite desperate enough. So you smile at me with your ever-so-understanding eyes, sympathize with my discomfort, and pretending to be on the same boat, all the while continuing with your charms, keeping me wanting more and more, never leaving me a bored moment so I don’t wonder away, your smell always in my thoughts, and your approval always on my mind. Making me do things that I would normally never do without a second thought. Turning me into your play-thing. Into your guarantee that your life will be okay, that it will be stable. Slowly and deliberately turning me into someone that you can be sure will look after you all your life.
And whether I’m Albert Einstein or Adolf Hitler, or the forgotten and unimportant Citizen X, I will always be a man, and I won’t even know what hit me.
My heart sits backs and watches me with some fascination as you do this, almost laughing at me.
This is physical reality, this is nature, its emotional homeostasis, and millions of years of genetic and physical and social evolution. I cannot fight it. Maybe one day, I’ll learn to control it and laugh at it the way my heart does.
So this is not a declaration of war, or anger to you for consciously or unconsciously manipulating m heart.
Its one of love and fascination for life, its one of anger with myself for being just another piece of putty in nature’s hand, for all my self-importance and delusions of control.
It is me saying; because I’m aware of a truth, it doesn’t mean I can fully overcome it yet.
So, I’m not backing away from you. I’m not turning myself off like a machine and dropping you like a sack of potatoes. Because I can. But I wouldn’t be living life, then. I’d be running away from it. I continue down this path because I’m not scared, and because I want to learn, and because I know I will have to lose and be humbled before I truly know what it means to win. I’ll stay with you for as long as it takes. But I just want you to know:
I know what you’re doing.
Yours Sincerely,
Saman
You’re gently playing me like silly-putty, turning me into the shape that you want. Fine tuning me to be a source of dependence for you. And ur like an open book to me.
You’re creating an emotional need in me, deliberately making me unable to live or breathe without you, using all your wiles and feminine charms. You give me just enough to taste, but not enough to be satisfied, so I keep coming back for more. And when I start getting emotionally attached to a greater and greater degree to you, you sit back and watch my heart and mind squirm as it tries to find peace, in my seemingly futile attempts to be assured that I have you. But I’m not ready for you yet, am I? I’m not quite desperate enough. So you smile at me with your ever-so-understanding eyes, sympathize with my discomfort, and pretending to be on the same boat, all the while continuing with your charms, keeping me wanting more and more, never leaving me a bored moment so I don’t wonder away, your smell always in my thoughts, and your approval always on my mind. Making me do things that I would normally never do without a second thought. Turning me into your play-thing. Into your guarantee that your life will be okay, that it will be stable. Slowly and deliberately turning me into someone that you can be sure will look after you all your life.
And whether I’m Albert Einstein or Adolf Hitler, or the forgotten and unimportant Citizen X, I will always be a man, and I won’t even know what hit me.
My heart sits backs and watches me with some fascination as you do this, almost laughing at me.
This is physical reality, this is nature, its emotional homeostasis, and millions of years of genetic and physical and social evolution. I cannot fight it. Maybe one day, I’ll learn to control it and laugh at it the way my heart does.
So this is not a declaration of war, or anger to you for consciously or unconsciously manipulating m heart.
Its one of love and fascination for life, its one of anger with myself for being just another piece of putty in nature’s hand, for all my self-importance and delusions of control.
It is me saying; because I’m aware of a truth, it doesn’t mean I can fully overcome it yet.
So, I’m not backing away from you. I’m not turning myself off like a machine and dropping you like a sack of potatoes. Because I can. But I wouldn’t be living life, then. I’d be running away from it. I continue down this path because I’m not scared, and because I want to learn, and because I know I will have to lose and be humbled before I truly know what it means to win. I’ll stay with you for as long as it takes. But I just want you to know:
I know what you’re doing.
Yours Sincerely,
Saman
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