This will be my vent. What a small vent it is. I don’t have the patience to squeeze all my indecipherable frustrations through these small pores, so what I say seems random and juvenile.
Mankind can be such a shallow, traitorous, parasitic thing. Only one in a million are the beacons against which I’ve been mistakenly measuring the world against. Only one in a million remain great in the face of adversity and a true reflection of a human being. And my fear right now is that I’m not one of those million, the person I always fancied myself to be thanks to the false hopes of movies and Disney. Because in these sequential moments of induced panic and despair that we call life, I find myself unraveling, a part of me sulking that things are not the way that they should be. If circumstances were the way that they were “meant” to be, then I can be myself, happy, and expressive and smart and brilliant and just plain Saman. But in these tough times, I cant be myself, so I just sit back miserably and in despair hoping that they’ll pass and I can finally breathe and be myself again. But I think I have to start realizing, that those easy times with no hardships was never really meant to be. They were free bonuses. Not life. Life is these hard parts. The parts I’m wishing would go away so I can be myself, and so maybe I’m missing out on life because I’m under the delusional impression that the times where I can shine at my brightest will be times when circumstances will be easy.
Its how much you shine when times are tough that determines who you are. Not how much you shine when it’s convenient. It’s the tough, inconvenient times when you get stabbed in the back by people closest to you. Its during these times where you disappoint yourself by failing to achieve your aspirations which in turn leads to an immeasurably self-destructive doubt in yourself. It’s in life’s greatest moments when you feel your back being broken by those closest to you. There is no other life, just this one. So shine, if you can, little whiner. Shine. Nobody said it was going to be easy. To give off light, the little piece of wood has to burn.
So burn. Burn alive, and be brilliant. Don’t lament burning, rather celebrate being a light, and keep shining.
Regardless of circumstance, regardless of self-doubt, and pain and failures and losing every single thing you hold dear and feeling yourself being passed off like dust off a shoulder, keep heads high and shine as if there’s not a feather of burden on your back. That’s what will make you exceptional. Not the easy victories, but the victories in the midst of death and destruction pulling you down with every step you take. That’s what will make the victories memorable.
There it is again: my childish short-sighted optimism distorting hard reality into a warped breed of optimism, completely forgetting the original worry and turning it into false hope. Sentimentalizing the real issue.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Stood up...Stand up. Stand up? Stand up.
So what do you do when you have nothing to say?
You remind yourself that you exist for a reason, and for as long as your alive, you have a purpose to drive yourself to death for, and you will always have some aspect to express about it, whether its in writing, or song, or action, or film.
You know? I’m thinking of trying out for some stand-up comedy. Most of them out there are the ultimate pessimists. Winner Pessimists, I call them. They’ve got serious issues in the world just like any other tom dick or harry, but instead of letting it get to them, because their smart or have a sense of humour, they see the humor behind it, and they make jokes out of it. Like how Russell Peters dad used to beat him up, or how Francisco never really fit in with the jocks of life, or how Chris Rock has deep-seated race issues..etc etc. So they take these perceived negative aspects, and instead of getting consumedly bitter over it, they joke about it. Great, good for them. They script the shit their going to say in a skeleton form, and talk around those 5, 6 or 50 topics that they’v scripted before hand, so a lot of their stand ups are mostly repetitions or improvisations of their own old jokes.
But theres a few stand ups out there (like Craig Ferguson…damn, love that dude.), he gets up every night to the same audience (um…National television audience) and spends 10 minutes just expressing his thoughts on the events of the day/week. Every night a different thing. So he just stands up there and talks shit about the things he saw, and he’s just genuinely funny. They way he interprets the world, the way he sees things is just fucking strange and hilarious to see. He’s not trying to be funny. He just goes up there and says whatever the heck comes to his head and its funny.
So I’m thinking, maybe I should give it a try. Sure, I’ll probably get completely consumed with a fear and nervousness that I wont even fully understand but will end up completely ruining any prospects of me being a success…but I gots to try, right? And just try not to think so much and just dump whatever in my head onto the audiences lap with no fear of consequence or appropriateness. I don’t want to be funny, I just want to be me.
But where the hell do I start? Where do I go? Haha.
Oh yeah, my opening line! “what do you do when you have nothing to say?” I started this blog with that line for a reason…I was thinking. When I go on stage, hoping to be a good stand up, I’ll start getting nervous, and wondering what the HELLLLLLL to say, right? So I figured I could get myself started every single time with the line “what do you do when you have nothing to say?” (after the intro of course)..then I could work my way through the stand up from there. For example, I start out with the aforementioned line, and today, with nothing better to say, respond to my line by saying “you dip your nose in chocolate and spend your lunch hour trying to touch it with your tongue.” And then carry on from there…get what I’m saying? Kind of like how ol’Craig Ferguson always starts his stand ups by saying “It’s a great day for America, everybody! Why? Um…” then goes on from there.
It SHOULD work, right? Right?? RIGHT??!?!?!??
You remind yourself that you exist for a reason, and for as long as your alive, you have a purpose to drive yourself to death for, and you will always have some aspect to express about it, whether its in writing, or song, or action, or film.
You know? I’m thinking of trying out for some stand-up comedy. Most of them out there are the ultimate pessimists. Winner Pessimists, I call them. They’ve got serious issues in the world just like any other tom dick or harry, but instead of letting it get to them, because their smart or have a sense of humour, they see the humor behind it, and they make jokes out of it. Like how Russell Peters dad used to beat him up, or how Francisco never really fit in with the jocks of life, or how Chris Rock has deep-seated race issues..etc etc. So they take these perceived negative aspects, and instead of getting consumedly bitter over it, they joke about it. Great, good for them. They script the shit their going to say in a skeleton form, and talk around those 5, 6 or 50 topics that they’v scripted before hand, so a lot of their stand ups are mostly repetitions or improvisations of their own old jokes.
But theres a few stand ups out there (like Craig Ferguson…damn, love that dude.), he gets up every night to the same audience (um…National television audience) and spends 10 minutes just expressing his thoughts on the events of the day/week. Every night a different thing. So he just stands up there and talks shit about the things he saw, and he’s just genuinely funny. They way he interprets the world, the way he sees things is just fucking strange and hilarious to see. He’s not trying to be funny. He just goes up there and says whatever the heck comes to his head and its funny.
So I’m thinking, maybe I should give it a try. Sure, I’ll probably get completely consumed with a fear and nervousness that I wont even fully understand but will end up completely ruining any prospects of me being a success…but I gots to try, right? And just try not to think so much and just dump whatever in my head onto the audiences lap with no fear of consequence or appropriateness. I don’t want to be funny, I just want to be me.
But where the hell do I start? Where do I go? Haha.
Oh yeah, my opening line! “what do you do when you have nothing to say?” I started this blog with that line for a reason…I was thinking. When I go on stage, hoping to be a good stand up, I’ll start getting nervous, and wondering what the HELLLLLLL to say, right? So I figured I could get myself started every single time with the line “what do you do when you have nothing to say?” (after the intro of course)..then I could work my way through the stand up from there. For example, I start out with the aforementioned line, and today, with nothing better to say, respond to my line by saying “you dip your nose in chocolate and spend your lunch hour trying to touch it with your tongue.” And then carry on from there…get what I’m saying? Kind of like how ol’Craig Ferguson always starts his stand ups by saying “It’s a great day for America, everybody! Why? Um…” then goes on from there.
It SHOULD work, right? Right?? RIGHT??!?!?!??
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