Another in-betweener

When you’re in pain, suddenly everything else in the world is so incredibly simple that it doesn’t matter anymore. The thing that’s nagging in your head, the cause of that pain thats consuming every emotion of who you are is the thing that confounds you, and no matter how hard you try to explain in or overcome it, your attempts will always be lame, so long as that pain remains. Hello, vicious circle.

That feeling of hopelessness is perhaps a delusion too. In the end, the only things that help are distractions to the pain and the flow of time. Only these seem to make that the pain eventually bearable. There is no instant anesthetic for this shit, other than death. And now that you’ve felt what a knife-wound feels like, you’re gradually becoming ready to take on a sword.

But its this pain and hopelessness that gets to me. Its difficult not to revel in it, think about it, let it trap you and lose yourself inside it, and then when you wake up, the world has moved on, and you’re just a husk of a dirty, un-showered and forgotten man. And you have to catch up.

What do you hold on to to pull yourself from that whirlpool of dead-end pain? You bring yourself up, but because it feels like you don’t have a reason to keep pulling, and because false hopes and idealistic delusions make you want to try the hopeless mission again, you let go, and again you get lost in that black-hole gravity of pain.

Everything is falling apart, because none of it matters anymore. You want to feel validated, that this pain you’re feeling has an end, and that end can be nothing other than the one you’re imagining, and in the heat of the moment, you’d rather die that have any other objective to that pain. Like a child that’s screaming, lost in his stubbornness that he wants the RED cookie, and no other cookie. He’ll hold his breathe and turn blue until he gets nothing but the red cookie.

And you know there’s a better way. That fact is rubbed in your face every day by know-it-alls, some true, and some fake, by the media, by preachers, by so-called good people, and that makes your frustration even worse. Because for all their convincing-or-otherwise posturing and preening, none of those salvation solutions actually hit home as anything other than some ideological jargon that’s thrown around as opium for the blind. In the end, they have to shut up, and you have to find that “better way” yourself. Find your own translation of the “truth”, that will probably make you wonder why those idiots were advertising it as the wrong thing in the first place.

Its a funny feeling, to miss someone thats with you almost every day.