Lightning Crashes

My computer and modem exploded yesterday. Hit by lightning through the power lines.
Lightning crashes, an old mother bursts.

ha. Sorry. This just reminds me so much of that old song by Live, for those of u who know the song.

Aw, man. This seriously sucks tho. I had so much on that computer. Sure, I had backup for a lot of it, but there was still 6 gigs or so that I had nowhere else to store. Not to mention 3 pages or so of my book that I hadnt bothered backing up yet. Usually, I back up every page I write as I write it, but this time, I thought "Naaaahhhh....this old-timin computer of mine's an invincible bitch. She'll never die." She died the next day.

Yeah yeah, I know this is pathetic. I'm whining over a replaceable computer, and over THREE MEASLY goddamn pages of a novel. I dont care, though. When I write something, its like I've visited somewhere. And you can only visit that place in that state once. Its like visiting Barselona in the summer. You only get to do it once in a year. You could lose your memory, and go there again to experiance it again, but it wont be the same. It might be better, it might be worse, but it wont be the same. You've lost that experiance forever. And I felt like I just lost a peice, albeit very small, of my experiance with these angry, sad, in love, desperate, ecstatically happy characters that are running around in my head dying to have their story told.

Anyway..I'm gonna go sulk over my pathetically small tragedy of the minute.
Then I'm gonna write some more, a better, more haunting adventure than ever before.

You know?
I just realized that I feel a lot better after I write.
I just feel damn good after I've write.
When I finish a complete short story...now THATS something else entirely. The feeling when a short story comes full circle in my head, and I just finished typing it...damn..thats just...spiritually orgasmic? Cant really describe it. I always knew I loved that feeling..
But writing in general, even if its not a short story, just something, ANYTHING I put down on paper...er..computer screen..Afterwards, I just feel like I had a damn good meal.

Boring Holidays

Well, I think I've done just about everything I planned on doing these holidays. And now I've got 2 weeks to spare.

I'm goin mad bored out of my mind.

Maybe I'll just take a flight to cape town or something. Dunno. Gotta get my head clear before I jump back into my last 6 months of med-school.

You ever get that feeling of inadequacy when you set out to do something?
Deep down, you know you can, but your head kinda plays tricks on you, places limits on you, and so you retaliate by not doing that thing you love until you feel you can get it right..until that feeling of inadequacy dissapears, and you feel completely free to express yourself down to the honest depths of your soul in that action.
Well, thats what I've been feeling with my writing lately. Havent written my book in..hmm..a week and a half now. It might not seem like much, but when the story and the characters are running around barking orders in my head for every second of every day, you kinda start to miss writing about them after a week and a half, you know?

Anyway...I'm just talking crap for the sake of filling in this weeks blog. I think I'm gonna go try writing my book now, right after I put in my next post for my weekly story, Myth Misplaced...my other blog site. The links on the left above all the games, if ur interested in reading.
wallowed-in-self-absorbing-inadequacy-ly yours,
S

Upside-down big toe

Well, just came back from soccer today. Play once a week with some friends.

Now I'm back, and I broke my toe. haha. It wasnt from the soccer itself; I was running to get the ball, and I jumped off the edge of the field (about 4 feet up) to land on the grass below, but there were sharp rocks hidden underneath the grass..so "crack". It didnt actually hurt at all. It just felt like it hit my toe very hard, so I took off my shoe to make sure it wasnt bleeding. And it wasnt, but the big toe was bent BACKWARDS. Like, pointing upwards. The joint was broken and bent the wrong way at 90 degrees. haha. CRAZY stufff. I couldnt believe it. I was just staring at it and wondering why I'm not feeling any pain for something that looks so fucked up. Looked like someone elses foot.

So I just grabbed the toe, pulled it hard and bent it back the right way..the "CLICK" was REALLLY loud! haha. And it still wasnt painfull, just slightly uncomfortable, like someone just punched me in the shoulder. Then I started walking, and started feeling really dizzy, and had to sit down. I was laughing the whole time at how something so fucked up could feel so not-that-bad. But then the pain hit. Like a my toe was being pulled, twisted and ripped off verrry slowly.

And I shut the fuck up.

haha. Just sat there, well actually, lay there until it got better. Dunno why I went into shock. I mean its just a broken toe, not a punctured lung. But I was sweating ice cold sweat the whole time, and everything I looked at was tinted in a near-blinding white.
crazy day.

Well, now I've wrapped it up, immobilized it and monitoring it until tomorow. If its still fucked up, then it means theres probably a hairline fracture, or worse on the toe bone, and I'd have to get it x-rayed and immobilized in plaster paris for 6 weeks. Otherwise, it just means the joint was unhinged, and just needs rest to prevent excess swelling, and should be fine in a few days.
At least this is what they taught me at med-school. The bastards better be right.

welcome to south africa

my internets been cut off. Great. To make more money, the south african internet service providers give us a 2 or 3 gig download/bandwidth limit. If we use that much, we get cut off until we pay them 200 bucks for another 3 gigs. Its not because we dont have enough bandwidth in this country. Its only because a few people thought its a really clever way to make a lot of money out of the millions who need the internet here.

Anyway, I'm a little pissed off. I'm using a friends computer now. I'll continue posting normally in a couple weeks.

Shaker out.

Games Galore

Hey!
I was browsing through the profiles of some friends of mine, and one of them had this pac-man game on her site....so, she told me how she did it, and voila! Check it out, on the left, u'll find a whole bunch of games to play.
Um...which I suck at. Except for Pac man.

Droning of a zombified mind at 3am

What makes a person great is his or her humanity.
Not how much he pretends to be great, or what his acheivements are, or what terrible things he's done. Those are events and actions that can be changed or taken back, or improved upon. They're all circumstantial. A series of events can only define a person so much.

What makes him/her great is the reflection of his soul. The honesty and realness and sincerity of his words and actions that reflect on the observer what kind of person he/she really is. After all, through all the posing, and "cool-image"creating, what more can I possibly be except myself?

It takes faith to trust that your honest, true self is great. That there, in fact, is nothing wrong with you, and human definitions of "good" or "bad" are pretensive and inaccurate at best. Just trusting that you are what you are, and thats just fine, and then not being afraid of showing your brand of living through ur words and actions is enough. Media and society's ideology of "cool", "uncool", "good" and "evil" are all given to us because of some ultimately dissapointing personal motives, not because their based on any real principle. So screw them and their ideas of what images we should show society to make ourselves "acceptable".

um.
This is Doctor Phil, signing out.

Dont ask me why I'm saying this shit. I dont know where the hell its sprouting from. All I know is that its 3am, and I need to sleep.