Monster

Theres a monster inside me.
Sometimes, when I doubt myself, whether its in writing a story, or when I'm cramming the night before a test like I am now, that monster gets his way.
You see, this monster has thousands of arms, and each of his arms has a grip on one part of my heart. Usually, I'm strong enough to keep the structure of that heart, keep its shape intact...but its in these moments of weakness, these moments of doubt that the monster strikes. He's just waiting for these slight weaknesses, where he'll be strong enough that he can pull one of those arms in. Pull that weak part of the structure inwards.

And once he's found a weak spot with one of his arms, his other arms become stronger, and they all start pulling that heart inwards towards the monster in the middle, collapsing that heart, imploding it like a crumpling peice of paper, leaving me completely expressionless, frozen, terrified and heartless.

I've noticed it takes a sort of abandon...a kind of completely unthinking almost detached confidence to get that strength back. Because in a concious battle of wills, that monster will win.

Every. Single. Time.

But when I stop thinking about what I can or cannot do...when I stop trying to so desperately regain that strength and pulling away from that monster, when I just forget about that stupid monster and assume I'm feeling fine, things get better. Because no matter how hard I try, the monster always wins. The harder I try, the stronger he gets.

Its only when I give up and stop caring what the monster does, and just know - not believe - but KNOW that I'm fine, even blindly if necessary, that I win.

Its in moments like these that I realize, I truly am nothing. Cause when I try, nothing successfull happens. But when I just do, without thinking about whether I can or not, that things work out. I dont know how the hell it happens, and I dont pretend to, but it happens. Shows how little I know about my own soul...when I stop trying to control it, and making it do what I think it can do...when I just let go...just let it fly free...shit comes together. :)

Damn..this is the surrealist peice of crap I've ever written. I have to go back and study.