OKAY! Just a quick note before you read this crazy peice of shit below...I wrote this a while ago..I'd just broken up with a girl. We were dating for a while, but I'm not sure if I could really call her my girlfriend. We just started going out when I dumped my PREVIOUS girlfriend, so I geuss it was an unhealthy relationship to start with... Anyway. The shit I wrote below back then (this note I'm writing now is written on 23'rd April..I wrote the shit below about 2 months ago),...anyway, like I was saying, the stuff below is really angry and really sad and really frustrated, so just take it with a grain of salt. I was in the heat of the moment, and I didnt feel this way for long after I wrote it. Writing it just acted as a vent for me to get everything out, and once it was out, I felt a lot better, and forgot about most of it. And I gave up on this blog. Now that I'm back, I look back at this thing and think it needs a bit of explaining :) Anyway. If your gonna read it, then I hope you see something good in it that I dont.
Only reason I'm not deleting it is because...I think everything should be stored. The good, the bad and the fucking uGLy. :)
Adios
Society and politics
I’m a genius at expressing myself
And it works
I love what I express
Apparently, people love what they hear and what they see
But none of that matters..
Because the things I want are always out of my reach
Because
Because it feels like the machine of socieioufd;ksfdj
This is bullshit
Am I in love with her?
If I’m not, then why does my mind go on fire whenever I think about her?
I should rather label this an obsession
Because I hardly know her, but yet I feel so much for her
Or maybe an enormous fascination
Because I don’t know many people from her culture,
That are as exposed to other cultures as she is
Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s in love with someone else
That’s just got me jelous.
The angry schoolboy syndrome..where the toy that he wants
Belongs to someone else
And he’s angry
Only because the toy isn’t his. Not because he really wants it.
But then why did I feel something for her since I first saw her..
Before I first saw her, before I even thought of her with someone else.
I feel like if I lose her, I’m going to die.
That my mind will catch alight,
And set fire to my brain
And in turn burn my head,
Spontaneous combustion: the true story behind the mystery.
And now I feel like I’ve lost her.
So I’m on the verge of death
Like I never had her heart to begin with
That it was all just an act
A formality of politeness and fascination
But for me, the idiot, I put my heart in something that
Was never meant to happen
Put my heart in an uphill battle
And I never knew
And now I’m some pathetic puppy, bleeding and deflated
Blood spread around me in a stagnant pool
And I’m just lying here.
Blehh.
I want to get up and do something else
Forget about her
Get on with my life.
But its just not worth it. My life was hers
Now she doesn’t exist,
So neither does my life.
Maybe I’m evil
But I want payback
I want her to feel pain
I want to hurt her heart.
Make her feel the same pain I’m feeling
This gnawing parasitic grip on my very soul
Sucking my life away
I want her to feel that
See how she handles it.
And then
Just walk away.
I didn’t ask for this feeling in my heart
This pain from being separated from her.
I didn’t choose it.
This is not my fault.
So whose fault is it?
And how do I solve it?
Do I just get used to it?
Dammit. Wheres the reason?
7 comments:
if its love, you would never ever want her to feel that pain.... or any other pain
to anonymous above:
Thats what Walt Disney would say. Not me.
And besides, what I described there was just a feeling of the moment...one of the millions of that moment that came and went.
what would you say then
I say that in the madness of the moment, you could want a million things, and then want none of them in the next moment.
I just expressed whatever I felt there, without holding anything back
if its love maybe you would feel peace not madness
Theres nothing peacefull about seperation.
Agh, that person commenting is annoying, **** off oprah and give the dude a break.
I think it's great you included this here. We all go through stuff like this at some point, and if we don't, what are we doing here wasting perfectly good air that someone else could breathe? If you talk about it, it makes the rest of us going through stuff like this feel like we are not alone. I realise the anger and revenge parts were just part of a moment that passed, and it's a good thing you were able to move on from this, but beneath that there were genuine feelings of love and it was because you exposed yourself and made yourself vulnerable in the hope that it would work out, it made it hurt more when it didn't, hence angry and unhealthy for a brief moment which passed.
Maybe I need to get myself a name on this thingy so I don't always come up as anonymous. Got any ideas? I swear I could have written this myself at some point, eerie!
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